It's very strange - this should be the time of my life and I should be celebrating such an amazing achievement but cannot seem to get out of this funk I am in as food no longer holds the "primo spot" in my life and so many things I cannot eat anymore or just don't even want to try as I know I will get sick. For starters, I just want to eat lettuce again! I can't eat eggs, can't eat hardly any meat, no bread, no rice, no pasta - no burgers. I haven't actually eaten a burger since March 2008! This journey has had its good and bad and I find myself just not eating because I don't think about it. For example, I work mostly from my home and sometimes don't even think of food until late in the day - if at all. I have made so many changes in my life over the past year and life has a strange way of forcing change that needs to happen. I ended a 6 year relationship, lost 160 pounds, changed positions in my company, bought a home and have re-prioritized so many friends in my life this year. You'd think this would have me jumping up and down but it's almost like I am in such a "transition" I don't know where to go next.
I am reading my journal from my weight loss book from the past year. My first entry was:
"Well today I begin. I have many thoughts and feelings but the biggest at the moment is un-certainty. I have been large for so long now I honestly don't know what "smaller" means. I'm still hungry and still view food the same way so six weeks on a clear liquid diet just doesn't make me 'smile'! I do have great support and I am grateful for this. So-it begins today- a tool is here now for ME to help myself and self-control...now bring on the pain meds!"
Now I know what smaller means for sure. I am a 32 waist and wear medium shirts. I don't have to shop anymore at Big and Tall stores for XXXL shirts and 52 waist pants. How did this ever get so crazy that I let myself go - how could I not care enough about myself? But that is all past now but the emotions still remain unfortunately. I know how it feels to be super obese and now just "normal" - as I've said before this is taking a little getting used to in my life.
What I am really hoping the universe sends me - and what I am putting out there - is that all of this will come together soon and I will have a true feeling of happiness and be able to share this with someone else and my wonderful friends and family. For now, I spend much quiet time just reflecting on all I HAVE done and how this weight loss journey has really been wonderful but has come with a considerable amount of pain and sacrifice.
But I will keep writing this out and hopefully it will all make sense. It is just so strange that food cannot comfort me anymore. I had a very horriffic event happen this week - Brandon (my ex partner) had to be rushed to the hospital with a heart condition. Sitting by his bedside for over 24 hours, I was so emotionally stressed and drained - I wanted to eat. I even tried - I went to the hospital cafeteria and bought lots of food but ended up throwing it away as I was too full. At home, I tried to force food but threw up and was crying hysterically with worry - even though I don't think Brandon knew just how concerned I was about all this.
The bottom line is I cannot use food anymore - period the end. But I can't use other things to mask my emotions either. It's a delicate balance and I am FAR from getting all this together. I've not been proud at some of the decisions I've made this year and have been irresponsible at times. In general, I am changing every day - emotionally and physically. And that's a good thing. I just need to believe in myself a whole lot more!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
From marathon runner to 330 pounds -how did this happen?
My weight has always been an issue and I literally had tried everything to lose weight on every fad diet. At some good points I would lose, then gain back more. It left me feeling so empty and lost. At one point after losing 35 pounds on NutriSystem, I decided that I would start running. I started slow but ultimately was running about 3 miles a day 4 days a week. Ironically, the company I worked for was also very health conscious and sponsored a team of folks to go to London to run in the London Marathon. I was so excited to do this and raised $2,000 for charity in order to go. I weighed 190 when I started training and 173 after the 16 weeks I trained. I thought I was in the best shape ever - which I was. Running with my walkman on listening to the Smiths made me so happy. I was so excited to go to London and our team of about 30 people all were driven to finish. I started out at a little faster pace than I hoped and ultimately was not able to keep up with our group. I DID finish, though, in just over 5 hours which, for me, after running and finishing 26.2 miles was incredible. I vowed to keep running and exercizing but it was like the thrill was over and suddenly one day I just stopped running - making lots of excuses "why" I couldn't run.
My first attempt at a real relationship started with someone that was very thin and did not exercize. So, this was easy just to stay home and cook for him. Bad move. Within two years I was just over 200 pounds and trying desperately to lose weight. Chris never really said anything about my weight gain but knew it bothered me.
I was also moving up in my career and travelled frequently usually eating fast food and bad food everyday. Two years later I was just over 230 pounds. I kept dieting and kept creeping up in my weight ultimately to 250 pounds in 1999. I was more stressed than ever with a high-pressure corporate job and couldn't fit into standard clothes - my waist was at 42 by this point and it was difficult to shop.
After 8 years, Chris and I separated which sent me into a very deep depression and I gained more weight but then decided to workout again and actually got back down to 230. I was still very unhappy but the only bright light was that I was working to start my own business and at this point had moved from Boston to Ogunquit, Maine. I was planning to purchase a Bed and Breakfast and due to some unforseen circumstances, the deal fell through and I again was very depressed. It was 2002 and my "depression weight loss" got me to about 220 which was the best I'd felt in some time. Unfortunately, this didn't last long.
In February of 2003 I met the ultimate love of my life who was beautiful and also very thin. He, on the otherhand, preferred "chubby" guys so it didn't matter to Brandon and ultimately me. As we started our relationship, we ate at all the great places like Chili's, Applebees and several spots in Ogunquit. We had great burgers with onion rings with mixed ranch dressing and BBQ sauce - it was heaven - I was in love and didn't mind eating. By 2006, I was just under 300 pounds.
Brandon was very loving and supportive but never really wanted me to lose weight. I was so unhappy and felt so ugly compared to him. I used my weight to ultimately "control" him and force him to follow my way thus "throwing my weight around" and secretly blaming him for all the things that were my character defects. I was so angry at myself and shamed myself so much I just became lost.
My company had a weight watchers at work program that sometime in 2004 and 2005 I followed and actually lost about forty pounds to get just under 260 but it was short-lived and I gained all the weight back plus some.
At this point, I had tried everything to lose weight. I decided at this time that maybe weight loss surgery was an option so I went to a seminar in Portsmouth, New Hampshire and started all the process to go through to get approval. Getting approved for this type of surgery that all too many insurance companies consider "cosmetic" is virtually impossible. It is so complicated and I can spend an entire blog just about this topic. Nonetheless, I started working with my Primary Care doctor and took Phentermine and started working out - I lost 18 pounds in just a month and felt fantastic. The insurance company denied my procedure and I went into another depression but this time decided to do something. I had an opportunity to move to Seattle, Washington to run a friend's company and thought this was my ticket to happiness. Brandon would follow in three months - which he did.
Working for my friend was extremely stressful and suddenly I found myself at just over 300 pounds - this seemed crazy to me. I no longer could shop at normal places and had to buy everything at Big and Tall - talk about feeling ashamed walking into this store to buy XXL shirts and a waist that ultimately reached 52 inches.
Ironically, when I first moved to Seattle I didn't return for almost two months - I got all my mail and learned that my surgery actually WAS approved on appeal but I passed the deadline to have the surgery. It was a very sad time for me.
Brandon finally moved in August of 2006 and I was very happy but the crazy weather didn't do me well and I just kept creeping up in my weight...to 330 pounds by December 2007. It was insanity - I was out of control with kidney stones, acid reflux, gall bladder removal, sleep apnea and I couldn't walk up a set of stairs without having to stop.
Stop the Insanity I kept saying (which, by the way I read the book in 1996 and lost 40 pounds but gained it all back - loved Susan Powder though). My health was really suffering and I had to do something. I decided again to look at weight loss surgery and found a wonderful program nearby my work - unfortunately insurance did not cover this as a benefit.
I went through some classes and did some work but worked with a friend who trained me to prepare for the surgery. I lost about 15 pounds before the real program began so I knew I could do this. My decision to do the lapband vs the gastric bypass was not only cost but I heard of too many folks gaining their weight back over time as their stomach stretched out again ! I cannot imagine something like this - and knew how much I loved food, so I decided to have the more "restrictive" lapband - you eat too much you throw up - its not fun and believe me I've tested my limits all too many times - but getting much better now.
So, from marathon runner to 330 pound fat guy, I did the most loving thing I'd done in years - decided to have the surgery. Thanks to my savings and my wonderful mother - $20,000 later (pre-paid), I was able to have my surgery. I knew this was going to be difficult, especially on my relationship but I never had a clue how much I would be impacted by my change in body over the past year and a half. What a journey I am on and still am learning everyday.
Unfortunately, in the midst of all my change, I separated from my loving partner after six years. But this time I could not use "food" to make me feel better. In fact, I can't use food anymore to replace my feelings and needs. It is a constant challenge but I am working daily to try to master this concept to love myself even more each day. It is somewhat of a solitary journey for me at the moment and can be lonely at times but I know there will be some light at the end of this tunnel. Heck, I now weigh 175 pounds and my life is so different. I give thanks each day to myself for sticking in there during the rough times and now am just starting to shift my perspectives on myself.
This was alot to tell so I am done for now!
My first attempt at a real relationship started with someone that was very thin and did not exercize. So, this was easy just to stay home and cook for him. Bad move. Within two years I was just over 200 pounds and trying desperately to lose weight. Chris never really said anything about my weight gain but knew it bothered me.
I was also moving up in my career and travelled frequently usually eating fast food and bad food everyday. Two years later I was just over 230 pounds. I kept dieting and kept creeping up in my weight ultimately to 250 pounds in 1999. I was more stressed than ever with a high-pressure corporate job and couldn't fit into standard clothes - my waist was at 42 by this point and it was difficult to shop.
After 8 years, Chris and I separated which sent me into a very deep depression and I gained more weight but then decided to workout again and actually got back down to 230. I was still very unhappy but the only bright light was that I was working to start my own business and at this point had moved from Boston to Ogunquit, Maine. I was planning to purchase a Bed and Breakfast and due to some unforseen circumstances, the deal fell through and I again was very depressed. It was 2002 and my "depression weight loss" got me to about 220 which was the best I'd felt in some time. Unfortunately, this didn't last long.
In February of 2003 I met the ultimate love of my life who was beautiful and also very thin. He, on the otherhand, preferred "chubby" guys so it didn't matter to Brandon and ultimately me. As we started our relationship, we ate at all the great places like Chili's, Applebees and several spots in Ogunquit. We had great burgers with onion rings with mixed ranch dressing and BBQ sauce - it was heaven - I was in love and didn't mind eating. By 2006, I was just under 300 pounds.
Brandon was very loving and supportive but never really wanted me to lose weight. I was so unhappy and felt so ugly compared to him. I used my weight to ultimately "control" him and force him to follow my way thus "throwing my weight around" and secretly blaming him for all the things that were my character defects. I was so angry at myself and shamed myself so much I just became lost.
My company had a weight watchers at work program that sometime in 2004 and 2005 I followed and actually lost about forty pounds to get just under 260 but it was short-lived and I gained all the weight back plus some.
At this point, I had tried everything to lose weight. I decided at this time that maybe weight loss surgery was an option so I went to a seminar in Portsmouth, New Hampshire and started all the process to go through to get approval. Getting approved for this type of surgery that all too many insurance companies consider "cosmetic" is virtually impossible. It is so complicated and I can spend an entire blog just about this topic. Nonetheless, I started working with my Primary Care doctor and took Phentermine and started working out - I lost 18 pounds in just a month and felt fantastic. The insurance company denied my procedure and I went into another depression but this time decided to do something. I had an opportunity to move to Seattle, Washington to run a friend's company and thought this was my ticket to happiness. Brandon would follow in three months - which he did.
Working for my friend was extremely stressful and suddenly I found myself at just over 300 pounds - this seemed crazy to me. I no longer could shop at normal places and had to buy everything at Big and Tall - talk about feeling ashamed walking into this store to buy XXL shirts and a waist that ultimately reached 52 inches.
Ironically, when I first moved to Seattle I didn't return for almost two months - I got all my mail and learned that my surgery actually WAS approved on appeal but I passed the deadline to have the surgery. It was a very sad time for me.
Brandon finally moved in August of 2006 and I was very happy but the crazy weather didn't do me well and I just kept creeping up in my weight...to 330 pounds by December 2007. It was insanity - I was out of control with kidney stones, acid reflux, gall bladder removal, sleep apnea and I couldn't walk up a set of stairs without having to stop.
Stop the Insanity I kept saying (which, by the way I read the book in 1996 and lost 40 pounds but gained it all back - loved Susan Powder though). My health was really suffering and I had to do something. I decided again to look at weight loss surgery and found a wonderful program nearby my work - unfortunately insurance did not cover this as a benefit.
I went through some classes and did some work but worked with a friend who trained me to prepare for the surgery. I lost about 15 pounds before the real program began so I knew I could do this. My decision to do the lapband vs the gastric bypass was not only cost but I heard of too many folks gaining their weight back over time as their stomach stretched out again ! I cannot imagine something like this - and knew how much I loved food, so I decided to have the more "restrictive" lapband - you eat too much you throw up - its not fun and believe me I've tested my limits all too many times - but getting much better now.
So, from marathon runner to 330 pound fat guy, I did the most loving thing I'd done in years - decided to have the surgery. Thanks to my savings and my wonderful mother - $20,000 later (pre-paid), I was able to have my surgery. I knew this was going to be difficult, especially on my relationship but I never had a clue how much I would be impacted by my change in body over the past year and a half. What a journey I am on and still am learning everyday.
Unfortunately, in the midst of all my change, I separated from my loving partner after six years. But this time I could not use "food" to make me feel better. In fact, I can't use food anymore to replace my feelings and needs. It is a constant challenge but I am working daily to try to master this concept to love myself even more each day. It is somewhat of a solitary journey for me at the moment and can be lonely at times but I know there will be some light at the end of this tunnel. Heck, I now weigh 175 pounds and my life is so different. I give thanks each day to myself for sticking in there during the rough times and now am just starting to shift my perspectives on myself.
This was alot to tell so I am done for now!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The need to feed
If anyone reading this thinks that weight loss surgery is their way to happiness, stop reading. Weight loss surgery is a "tool" to use in order to do what so many of us folks that have yo-yo dieted for years or struggled with weight loss need to stay alive. And, I've known people that haven't actually survived the journey and lost their battle.
What I HAVE discovered on this journey thus far is that having the surgery and losing the weight is FAR more emotional than I ever imagined. I was always the "happy fat guy" that everyone liked to be around. Now I am just me - a good me mind you - but just plain old Todd. The problem is that the emotions that go along with weight and the emotional "loss" is sometimes extremely difficult.
Example: yesterday I was with a group of friends out on a boat and ended up at a friend's who had a BBQ with about 20 others. There were wonderful hamburgers and everyone was eating away with all the condiments. I, on the otherhand, could not eat anything as a) I can't have bread and b) ground beef makes me sick now post-surgery. Watching everyone eating and me just basically sitting in a corner was horrible. Nobody truly understands this until it actually happens to them which is why I was so emotional. It was actually strange, nobody even noticed I wasn't eating anything.
All I kept saying to myself was "Todd, think of all the burgers you've had in your life". But, emotionally, I would have loved to eat a burger and don't let anyone tell you that just because you may be restricted from eating you don't still "desire" food.
My desire has played itself out this past year in so many different ways - often ways that I have not been proud of. It has taken its toll on my relationships, work, friendships and often left me very empty when all along people are saying to me "Todd, you look amazing".
Why don't I "FEEL" amazing? I should be at the highest point in my life right now but feel honestly at a very low point now the weight loss is, for the mostpart, completed. It almost reminds me of when I hit a high point in my business career in 1999 and was "at the top" I was also the most unhappy ever in so many aspects of my life.
What I am learning through this new life and new body is that I have always used food to "feed". Feed myself, feed (and control) others and, in general, use food to deal with things instead of just focusing on myself and my needs.
My need to feed everyone but myself is somewhat ironic - I mentioned addition before and one of my addictions is to "people" - most people know this as being co-dependent. I love to take care of other people and in many ways feed them and then get upset when my emotional needs are not met. I've been working hard in the past few months to break this pattern and feed "myself" which really means loving myself a whole lot more.
I know there must be some others out there like me - those that have used food often times as a weapon to destroy themselves. I certainly know I did. But we do it ever so slowly, silently and it just somehow grows more and more over the years. But this is NOT the life I chose anymore and my weight loss journey over the past fifteen months has been a rollercoaster of love/hate.
Again, why? I don't really understand why when things are at their best I would try to do things to cause myself harm but its happened. Learning to deal with emotions in a different way (without food) is difficult when you've basically done this for 30+ years.
So, in front of the world and anyone reading this, my plan today is to really start caring and feeding (in a good way) myself. To "believe" what I have done is amazing and to feel honored that others, often strangers, hear of this and say congratulations. I vow that I will do my absolute best NOT to take care of other people before taking care of ME and will NOT try to take steps backward in my quest to "need to feed" other people and secretly control their lives.
I know this is a lot to do but I know I am strong and I am confident in my abilities that I've somehow just thrown to the wayside in the past few years. To anyone reading this that knows me and has supported me - thank you - you know who you are. To anyone searching for answers, I hope that in some small way these blogs will help. For me, just writing all this down is helping me heal my pain and deal with all the emotions that come along with this weight loss.
What I HAVE discovered on this journey thus far is that having the surgery and losing the weight is FAR more emotional than I ever imagined. I was always the "happy fat guy" that everyone liked to be around. Now I am just me - a good me mind you - but just plain old Todd. The problem is that the emotions that go along with weight and the emotional "loss" is sometimes extremely difficult.
Example: yesterday I was with a group of friends out on a boat and ended up at a friend's who had a BBQ with about 20 others. There were wonderful hamburgers and everyone was eating away with all the condiments. I, on the otherhand, could not eat anything as a) I can't have bread and b) ground beef makes me sick now post-surgery. Watching everyone eating and me just basically sitting in a corner was horrible. Nobody truly understands this until it actually happens to them which is why I was so emotional. It was actually strange, nobody even noticed I wasn't eating anything.
All I kept saying to myself was "Todd, think of all the burgers you've had in your life". But, emotionally, I would have loved to eat a burger and don't let anyone tell you that just because you may be restricted from eating you don't still "desire" food.
My desire has played itself out this past year in so many different ways - often ways that I have not been proud of. It has taken its toll on my relationships, work, friendships and often left me very empty when all along people are saying to me "Todd, you look amazing".
Why don't I "FEEL" amazing? I should be at the highest point in my life right now but feel honestly at a very low point now the weight loss is, for the mostpart, completed. It almost reminds me of when I hit a high point in my business career in 1999 and was "at the top" I was also the most unhappy ever in so many aspects of my life.
What I am learning through this new life and new body is that I have always used food to "feed". Feed myself, feed (and control) others and, in general, use food to deal with things instead of just focusing on myself and my needs.
My need to feed everyone but myself is somewhat ironic - I mentioned addition before and one of my addictions is to "people" - most people know this as being co-dependent. I love to take care of other people and in many ways feed them and then get upset when my emotional needs are not met. I've been working hard in the past few months to break this pattern and feed "myself" which really means loving myself a whole lot more.
I know there must be some others out there like me - those that have used food often times as a weapon to destroy themselves. I certainly know I did. But we do it ever so slowly, silently and it just somehow grows more and more over the years. But this is NOT the life I chose anymore and my weight loss journey over the past fifteen months has been a rollercoaster of love/hate.
Again, why? I don't really understand why when things are at their best I would try to do things to cause myself harm but its happened. Learning to deal with emotions in a different way (without food) is difficult when you've basically done this for 30+ years.
So, in front of the world and anyone reading this, my plan today is to really start caring and feeding (in a good way) myself. To "believe" what I have done is amazing and to feel honored that others, often strangers, hear of this and say congratulations. I vow that I will do my absolute best NOT to take care of other people before taking care of ME and will NOT try to take steps backward in my quest to "need to feed" other people and secretly control their lives.
I know this is a lot to do but I know I am strong and I am confident in my abilities that I've somehow just thrown to the wayside in the past few years. To anyone reading this that knows me and has supported me - thank you - you know who you are. To anyone searching for answers, I hope that in some small way these blogs will help. For me, just writing all this down is helping me heal my pain and deal with all the emotions that come along with this weight loss.
Monday, August 17, 2009
about me...
I suppose someone will want to know just who I am at some point. I am now 45 years "young" gay guy and have pretty much been fat or overweight all my life. For some reason, food always was what made me happy. What I used as my "addiction" to avoid loving myself. It has taken me years of therapy, countless diets (like every single one that you could be on) and self-degrading activities to make myself "feel" better.
Why is the question? Why have I hated myself for so long and even now after losing 155 pounds don't I feel "good"? I should, shouldn't I ?
Each and every morning I look at myself but don't "see" myself as I don't know who I am as a person that isn't fat. I wander around and try to understand who I am but I just cannot figure this all out or why I feel this way.
The journey I've taken over the past 15 months has been incredible but it also cost me SO much -my six year relationship, many friends as I changed my perspectives and caused me to really self-reflect as "food" could be my excuse or crutch anymore.
I am sure if anyone actually is reading this, or reads this, they will think I am crazy and probably I am for the mostpart. But this journey has not occurred without alot of heartache in the process.
But that's where I am now - not where I've come from. For anyone to know my true story I need to start at the beginning.
Why is the question? Why have I hated myself for so long and even now after losing 155 pounds don't I feel "good"? I should, shouldn't I ?
Each and every morning I look at myself but don't "see" myself as I don't know who I am as a person that isn't fat. I wander around and try to understand who I am but I just cannot figure this all out or why I feel this way.
The journey I've taken over the past 15 months has been incredible but it also cost me SO much -my six year relationship, many friends as I changed my perspectives and caused me to really self-reflect as "food" could be my excuse or crutch anymore.
I am sure if anyone actually is reading this, or reads this, they will think I am crazy and probably I am for the mostpart. But this journey has not occurred without alot of heartache in the process.
But that's where I am now - not where I've come from. For anyone to know my true story I need to start at the beginning.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
...and so it begins...
I don't really know where to begin exactly. I have never blogged before or read a blog for that matter. But I just saw this movie (Julie & Julia ) and it inspired me to tell MY story that I think (or hope) some folks in the world will identify with ... the struggle with weight and weight loss.
Now, I know there are probably a million blogs out there about this subject but for me, I suppose, this is something that is going to help me to heal as I have really been challenged by this 155 pound weight lost over the past 15 months.
Basically, it all started with a Big Mac when I was five years old in 1969. They didn't have many McDonald's at the time and certain not like the restaurants now but I remembered seeing how huge it looked and how I thought I wanted one - I begged my my mom and she finally let me have one. Thus starting my addition to "sauces" (more on that later).
Now, this is NOT about fast food at all - we ALL make our own choices in life and deal with the consequences of our actions. I just happened to find food as my "special friend" - the friend that was always there for me without questioning. Anyway, before I knew it, I was an overweight kid at 6 years old and pretty much continued to yo-yo with every diet imaginable after this time.
My first diet was at age 8 - I remember using my allowance money to go get some of these caramel chews to eat instead of a meal - needless to say it was like eating a box of chocolates for me.
I had the real problem though that my two brothers were very thin so my mother had to keep food separated so I wouldn't eat the "bad stuff" (like Pop Tarts, Sugar Smacks, etc) - yet I did.
By the time I was 11 I was just about 5 feet tall and weighed 136 pounds - it sucked. I was somehow popular in school but knew that everyone made fun of me so I overcompensated by being the "life of the party". It all really never worked too well and just left me emotionally depressed. Eventually, my mom went to my Physical Ed teacher and talked with him - he got me on a running program that helped me to lose 35 pounds over 4 months - great at the time and lasted through highschool but by college the pounds started to come back on quickly.
In this blog, I am thinking I want to give folks the day-by-day of my weight loss journey over the last year as so many people I know have told me I've inspired them which means so much to me. I will get back to my past (and believe me I have a past) but for now, this is all today that I think I can write about...all I will say is that this all boils down to loving yourself - and I've learned this the hard way over about 30 years now being obese - never did I think I could weigh 330 pounds. So I hope some people out there can identify with my story and my struggles. If nothing else, for me, I can work through some of the issues I am going through NOW that I weigh only 175 pounds.
Much more to follow on this journey...
Now, I know there are probably a million blogs out there about this subject but for me, I suppose, this is something that is going to help me to heal as I have really been challenged by this 155 pound weight lost over the past 15 months.
Basically, it all started with a Big Mac when I was five years old in 1969. They didn't have many McDonald's at the time and certain not like the restaurants now but I remembered seeing how huge it looked and how I thought I wanted one - I begged my my mom and she finally let me have one. Thus starting my addition to "sauces" (more on that later).
Now, this is NOT about fast food at all - we ALL make our own choices in life and deal with the consequences of our actions. I just happened to find food as my "special friend" - the friend that was always there for me without questioning. Anyway, before I knew it, I was an overweight kid at 6 years old and pretty much continued to yo-yo with every diet imaginable after this time.
My first diet was at age 8 - I remember using my allowance money to go get some of these caramel chews to eat instead of a meal - needless to say it was like eating a box of chocolates for me.
I had the real problem though that my two brothers were very thin so my mother had to keep food separated so I wouldn't eat the "bad stuff" (like Pop Tarts, Sugar Smacks, etc) - yet I did.
By the time I was 11 I was just about 5 feet tall and weighed 136 pounds - it sucked. I was somehow popular in school but knew that everyone made fun of me so I overcompensated by being the "life of the party". It all really never worked too well and just left me emotionally depressed. Eventually, my mom went to my Physical Ed teacher and talked with him - he got me on a running program that helped me to lose 35 pounds over 4 months - great at the time and lasted through highschool but by college the pounds started to come back on quickly.
In this blog, I am thinking I want to give folks the day-by-day of my weight loss journey over the last year as so many people I know have told me I've inspired them which means so much to me. I will get back to my past (and believe me I have a past) but for now, this is all today that I think I can write about...all I will say is that this all boils down to loving yourself - and I've learned this the hard way over about 30 years now being obese - never did I think I could weigh 330 pounds. So I hope some people out there can identify with my story and my struggles. If nothing else, for me, I can work through some of the issues I am going through NOW that I weigh only 175 pounds.
Much more to follow on this journey...
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