It's very strange - this should be the time of my life and I should be celebrating such an amazing achievement but cannot seem to get out of this funk I am in as food no longer holds the "primo spot" in my life and so many things I cannot eat anymore or just don't even want to try as I know I will get sick. For starters, I just want to eat lettuce again! I can't eat eggs, can't eat hardly any meat, no bread, no rice, no pasta - no burgers. I haven't actually eaten a burger since March 2008! This journey has had its good and bad and I find myself just not eating because I don't think about it. For example, I work mostly from my home and sometimes don't even think of food until late in the day - if at all. I have made so many changes in my life over the past year and life has a strange way of forcing change that needs to happen. I ended a 6 year relationship, lost 160 pounds, changed positions in my company, bought a home and have re-prioritized so many friends in my life this year. You'd think this would have me jumping up and down but it's almost like I am in such a "transition" I don't know where to go next.
I am reading my journal from my weight loss book from the past year. My first entry was:
"Well today I begin. I have many thoughts and feelings but the biggest at the moment is un-certainty. I have been large for so long now I honestly don't know what "smaller" means. I'm still hungry and still view food the same way so six weeks on a clear liquid diet just doesn't make me 'smile'! I do have great support and I am grateful for this. So-it begins today- a tool is here now for ME to help myself and self-control...now bring on the pain meds!"
Now I know what smaller means for sure. I am a 32 waist and wear medium shirts. I don't have to shop anymore at Big and Tall stores for XXXL shirts and 52 waist pants. How did this ever get so crazy that I let myself go - how could I not care enough about myself? But that is all past now but the emotions still remain unfortunately. I know how it feels to be super obese and now just "normal" - as I've said before this is taking a little getting used to in my life.
What I am really hoping the universe sends me - and what I am putting out there - is that all of this will come together soon and I will have a true feeling of happiness and be able to share this with someone else and my wonderful friends and family. For now, I spend much quiet time just reflecting on all I HAVE done and how this weight loss journey has really been wonderful but has come with a considerable amount of pain and sacrifice.
But I will keep writing this out and hopefully it will all make sense. It is just so strange that food cannot comfort me anymore. I had a very horriffic event happen this week - Brandon (my ex partner) had to be rushed to the hospital with a heart condition. Sitting by his bedside for over 24 hours, I was so emotionally stressed and drained - I wanted to eat. I even tried - I went to the hospital cafeteria and bought lots of food but ended up throwing it away as I was too full. At home, I tried to force food but threw up and was crying hysterically with worry - even though I don't think Brandon knew just how concerned I was about all this.
The bottom line is I cannot use food anymore - period the end. But I can't use other things to mask my emotions either. It's a delicate balance and I am FAR from getting all this together. I've not been proud at some of the decisions I've made this year and have been irresponsible at times. In general, I am changing every day - emotionally and physically. And that's a good thing. I just need to believe in myself a whole lot more!
