My weight has always been an issue and I literally had tried everything to lose weight on every fad diet. At some good points I would lose, then gain back more. It left me feeling so empty and lost. At one point after losing 35 pounds on NutriSystem, I decided that I would start running. I started slow but ultimately was running about 3 miles a day 4 days a week. Ironically, the company I worked for was also very health conscious and sponsored a team of folks to go to London to run in the London Marathon. I was so excited to do this and raised $2,000 for charity in order to go. I weighed 190 when I started training and 173 after the 16 weeks I trained. I thought I was in the best shape ever - which I was. Running with my walkman on listening to the Smiths made me so happy. I was so excited to go to London and our team of about 30 people all were driven to finish. I started out at a little faster pace than I hoped and ultimately was not able to keep up with our group. I DID finish, though, in just over 5 hours which, for me, after running and finishing 26.2 miles was incredible. I vowed to keep running and exercizing but it was like the thrill was over and suddenly one day I just stopped running - making lots of excuses "why" I couldn't run.
My first attempt at a real relationship started with someone that was very thin and did not exercize. So, this was easy just to stay home and cook for him. Bad move. Within two years I was just over 200 pounds and trying desperately to lose weight. Chris never really said anything about my weight gain but knew it bothered me.
I was also moving up in my career and travelled frequently usually eating fast food and bad food everyday. Two years later I was just over 230 pounds. I kept dieting and kept creeping up in my weight ultimately to 250 pounds in 1999. I was more stressed than ever with a high-pressure corporate job and couldn't fit into standard clothes - my waist was at 42 by this point and it was difficult to shop.
After 8 years, Chris and I separated which sent me into a very deep depression and I gained more weight but then decided to workout again and actually got back down to 230. I was still very unhappy but the only bright light was that I was working to start my own business and at this point had moved from Boston to Ogunquit, Maine. I was planning to purchase a Bed and Breakfast and due to some unforseen circumstances, the deal fell through and I again was very depressed. It was 2002 and my "depression weight loss" got me to about 220 which was the best I'd felt in some time. Unfortunately, this didn't last long.
In February of 2003 I met the ultimate love of my life who was beautiful and also very thin. He, on the otherhand, preferred "chubby" guys so it didn't matter to Brandon and ultimately me. As we started our relationship, we ate at all the great places like Chili's, Applebees and several spots in Ogunquit. We had great burgers with onion rings with mixed ranch dressing and BBQ sauce - it was heaven - I was in love and didn't mind eating. By 2006, I was just under 300 pounds.
Brandon was very loving and supportive but never really wanted me to lose weight. I was so unhappy and felt so ugly compared to him. I used my weight to ultimately "control" him and force him to follow my way thus "throwing my weight around" and secretly blaming him for all the things that were my character defects. I was so angry at myself and shamed myself so much I just became lost.
My company had a weight watchers at work program that sometime in 2004 and 2005 I followed and actually lost about forty pounds to get just under 260 but it was short-lived and I gained all the weight back plus some.
At this point, I had tried everything to lose weight. I decided at this time that maybe weight loss surgery was an option so I went to a seminar in Portsmouth, New Hampshire and started all the process to go through to get approval. Getting approved for this type of surgery that all too many insurance companies consider "cosmetic" is virtually impossible. It is so complicated and I can spend an entire blog just about this topic. Nonetheless, I started working with my Primary Care doctor and took Phentermine and started working out - I lost 18 pounds in just a month and felt fantastic. The insurance company denied my procedure and I went into another depression but this time decided to do something. I had an opportunity to move to Seattle, Washington to run a friend's company and thought this was my ticket to happiness. Brandon would follow in three months - which he did.
Working for my friend was extremely stressful and suddenly I found myself at just over 300 pounds - this seemed crazy to me. I no longer could shop at normal places and had to buy everything at Big and Tall - talk about feeling ashamed walking into this store to buy XXL shirts and a waist that ultimately reached 52 inches.
Ironically, when I first moved to Seattle I didn't return for almost two months - I got all my mail and learned that my surgery actually WAS approved on appeal but I passed the deadline to have the surgery. It was a very sad time for me.
Brandon finally moved in August of 2006 and I was very happy but the crazy weather didn't do me well and I just kept creeping up in my weight...to 330 pounds by December 2007. It was insanity - I was out of control with kidney stones, acid reflux, gall bladder removal, sleep apnea and I couldn't walk up a set of stairs without having to stop.
Stop the Insanity I kept saying (which, by the way I read the book in 1996 and lost 40 pounds but gained it all back - loved Susan Powder though). My health was really suffering and I had to do something. I decided again to look at weight loss surgery and found a wonderful program nearby my work - unfortunately insurance did not cover this as a benefit.
I went through some classes and did some work but worked with a friend who trained me to prepare for the surgery. I lost about 15 pounds before the real program began so I knew I could do this. My decision to do the lapband vs the gastric bypass was not only cost but I heard of too many folks gaining their weight back over time as their stomach stretched out again ! I cannot imagine something like this - and knew how much I loved food, so I decided to have the more "restrictive" lapband - you eat too much you throw up - its not fun and believe me I've tested my limits all too many times - but getting much better now.
So, from marathon runner to 330 pound fat guy, I did the most loving thing I'd done in years - decided to have the surgery. Thanks to my savings and my wonderful mother - $20,000 later (pre-paid), I was able to have my surgery. I knew this was going to be difficult, especially on my relationship but I never had a clue how much I would be impacted by my change in body over the past year and a half. What a journey I am on and still am learning everyday.
Unfortunately, in the midst of all my change, I separated from my loving partner after six years. But this time I could not use "food" to make me feel better. In fact, I can't use food anymore to replace my feelings and needs. It is a constant challenge but I am working daily to try to master this concept to love myself even more each day. It is somewhat of a solitary journey for me at the moment and can be lonely at times but I know there will be some light at the end of this tunnel. Heck, I now weigh 175 pounds and my life is so different. I give thanks each day to myself for sticking in there during the rough times and now am just starting to shift my perspectives on myself.
This was alot to tell so I am done for now!
