If anyone reading this thinks that weight loss surgery is their way to happiness, stop reading. Weight loss surgery is a "tool" to use in order to do what so many of us folks that have yo-yo dieted for years or struggled with weight loss need to stay alive. And, I've known people that haven't actually survived the journey and lost their battle.
What I HAVE discovered on this journey thus far is that having the surgery and losing the weight is FAR more emotional than I ever imagined. I was always the "happy fat guy" that everyone liked to be around. Now I am just me - a good me mind you - but just plain old Todd. The problem is that the emotions that go along with weight and the emotional "loss" is sometimes extremely difficult.
Example: yesterday I was with a group of friends out on a boat and ended up at a friend's who had a BBQ with about 20 others. There were wonderful hamburgers and everyone was eating away with all the condiments. I, on the otherhand, could not eat anything as a) I can't have bread and b) ground beef makes me sick now post-surgery. Watching everyone eating and me just basically sitting in a corner was horrible. Nobody truly understands this until it actually happens to them which is why I was so emotional. It was actually strange, nobody even noticed I wasn't eating anything.
All I kept saying to myself was "Todd, think of all the burgers you've had in your life". But, emotionally, I would have loved to eat a burger and don't let anyone tell you that just because you may be restricted from eating you don't still "desire" food.
My desire has played itself out this past year in so many different ways - often ways that I have not been proud of. It has taken its toll on my relationships, work, friendships and often left me very empty when all along people are saying to me "Todd, you look amazing".
Why don't I "FEEL" amazing? I should be at the highest point in my life right now but feel honestly at a very low point now the weight loss is, for the mostpart, completed. It almost reminds me of when I hit a high point in my business career in 1999 and was "at the top" I was also the most unhappy ever in so many aspects of my life.
What I am learning through this new life and new body is that I have always used food to "feed". Feed myself, feed (and control) others and, in general, use food to deal with things instead of just focusing on myself and my needs.
My need to feed everyone but myself is somewhat ironic - I mentioned addition before and one of my addictions is to "people" - most people know this as being co-dependent. I love to take care of other people and in many ways feed them and then get upset when my emotional needs are not met. I've been working hard in the past few months to break this pattern and feed "myself" which really means loving myself a whole lot more.
I know there must be some others out there like me - those that have used food often times as a weapon to destroy themselves. I certainly know I did. But we do it ever so slowly, silently and it just somehow grows more and more over the years. But this is NOT the life I chose anymore and my weight loss journey over the past fifteen months has been a rollercoaster of love/hate.
Again, why? I don't really understand why when things are at their best I would try to do things to cause myself harm but its happened. Learning to deal with emotions in a different way (without food) is difficult when you've basically done this for 30+ years.
So, in front of the world and anyone reading this, my plan today is to really start caring and feeding (in a good way) myself. To "believe" what I have done is amazing and to feel honored that others, often strangers, hear of this and say congratulations. I vow that I will do my absolute best NOT to take care of other people before taking care of ME and will NOT try to take steps backward in my quest to "need to feed" other people and secretly control their lives.
I know this is a lot to do but I know I am strong and I am confident in my abilities that I've somehow just thrown to the wayside in the past few years. To anyone reading this that knows me and has supported me - thank you - you know who you are. To anyone searching for answers, I hope that in some small way these blogs will help. For me, just writing all this down is helping me heal my pain and deal with all the emotions that come along with this weight loss.
